11 March 2009

Feel Better, Feel Worse

Physically- Woke up this morning feel much better.  As the day progressed my health continued to improve.  I would say I am back to my full self and feeling great.  I guess yesterday was just one of those days where I was tired and in need of rest.  Resting up yesterday has seemed to help everything out.

Work - Something today finally got to me, but I am very unhappy with working at the SJC.  I will start by saying that my co-workers are a good bunch and I have enjoyed working with them every day.  Sparring with Neto and David is the highlight of the work day.  However, when it comes to working at the center there is very little that I actually do.  Despite my best efforts to ignore it, my day is spent talking to Sue and not doing a single thing.  I understand the nature of being here in Kenya, but I do not do a thing and it bothers me.  In fact, I think that I am more of a hindrance than a help.  The bridge, my big accomplishment in the two months of being here, is now ruined because we had to uproot it yesterday and add another board at the foot of it.  Now, the stakes holding it in place are no longer in the ground, one is in fact broken, and the bridge is on a slant.  I will be happy if it survives until June.  Tom and I worked very hard to make this bridge and one change has now undone weeks of labor.  I feel deceived and disappointed.  This was not what I had thought that I would be doing here.  I could have done building elsewhere and saved a lot of peoples money by staring at walls in the United States.  What makes matters worse is the fact that after doing nothing or while doing nothing, I get a call to make the 30 minute walk to the compound to do actual work.  Rather than doing these tasks when I am watching paint dry, they are done after the fact.  With no need for Sue and I to ever be there together, there is no reason why either of us cannot be doing other things during the morning.  I have enjoyed her company, but I did not travel this far to talk about the riots in Nairobi all day.

I am going to talk to Judi tomorrow about all of this, but I needed time this afternoon to let it all settle.  It is a terrible feeling to believe that I am hurting the SJC, but it is how I feel at this moment.  All that I have done (or not done) seems trivial and insignificant.  It all makes me doubt my being here and usefulness.  I love Malava and living here has been wonderful.  The working hours are the most frustrating and trying.  I do not feel that I should be looking forward to going home so that I can gather water, wash the dishes, clean the house and cook dinner.  As it turns out, I enjoy doing that more than work.  Entirely because I am doing something that is useful to our home.

Please, no emails, comments, calls, or texts.  I want to be as honest as possible with how I am feeling right now, but I also do not want any sort of comments.  I have to allow this to sit within for awhile and be dealt with tomorrow.  Thank you for reading.